SIR Bidwell Branch 110 Humor

While a man was delivering pizzas, a customer hosting a party greeted the man with an unusual request.
Handing the man ten dollars more than the cost of the pizzas, the customer said, "I'll give you an extra five-dollar tip if you would run to the store and buy me some chips and dip."
The man agreed and bought the snacks.
When he returned with the food and change, a woman exclaimed, "I don't believe it!"
The customer then gave the man a ten-dollar bill.
"Today is your lucky day," the customer said.
"She just bet me 20 bucks that you wouldn't come back."

Tired, a woman boarded a plane hoping to rest.
Her seatmate started a long-winded conversation about his business, insinuating that as a woman, she probably wouldn't understand his job.
He then asked her what she did for a living.
With a smile she simply said, "I'm a brain surgeon."
The remainder of the trip was quiet.

As a criminal-defense attorney, a man had arranged with the prosecutor before one trial to dismiss the state's case because of insufficient evidence.
In court the judge called the defense attorney's name, and the attorney said, "Ready, Your Honor."
As expected the judge replied, "State's case dismissed."
Immediately another man awaiting trial jumped up and exclaimed, "I want that lawyer!"

One day a person's computer would not boot up.
The technician who came to fix it was joking about viruses when he discovered that there was a hardware problem.
He then turned and gave his diagnosis: "monitor-nucleous."

A man saw an ad in a shop window: "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.
He thought, I can't turn that down.

Q: Why do we tell actors to 'break a leg?"
A: Because every play has a cast.

The best gift I ever received was a broken drum.
You can't beat that.

Q: How does the moon cut its hair?
A: Eclipse it.

Job ad in the York, Pennsylvania, Daily Record: "Attention: good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean boss.
Oh well, four out of five isn't bad."

An enthusiastic young woman went into a nursing home where she filled out a job application.
After she left, the manager read the form and had to admire the woman's honesty.
To the question "Why do you want to work here?" she had responded, "To get experience for a better job."

This company has low standards and doesn't mind owning up.
Its help-wanted ad: "seeking laborers, equipment operators and dumb truck drivers."

A man worked at an aviation school that specializes in five-day refresher courses for aircraft mechanics.
One day, the man overheard a coworker talking on the phone with a potential customer, "Actually, we don't call our classes crash courses," he said.
"We like to think of them as 'keep up in the air' classes."

A man went to the butcher's the other day and bet the butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
"No," the butcher said, "the steaks are too high."

Q: What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
A: "Look, no hands!"

Don't trust that big cat.
He's lion.

Q: Why did the burglar hang his mug shot on the wall?
A: To prove that he was framed!

Thanks to reruns, a woman's kids discovered old Ozzie and Harriet TV shows.
Her 11-year-old son was especially taken with Ricky Nelson.
He wanted to sing like him, and decided to hunt down some of his old recordings.
After a long search he came home and announced, "I couldn't find any Ricky Nelson albums, so I got some made by his brother."
"David?" she asked, not recalling that he had much of a musical career.
"No. Willie."

At the company water cooler, a man bragged about his children's world travel: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy and his daughter was completing a research project in India.
One co-workers's quip, however stopped the man short.
"What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"

While a boy's parents were painting their bedroom, the boy's five-year-old sister walked in and asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
Not realizing what she had said, she casually walked out.
After she left, the stunned dad then turned to the boy's mother and asked, "Where the hell did she learn to talk like that?"

Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, a customer at a toy store still couldn't find a thing for her grandson.
"Maybe a video or something educational?" asked the clerk.
"No, that's not it," the customer said.
The customer wandered the aisles until something caught her eye: a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.
"This is perfect," she said, beaming.
"My daughter-in-law will hate it."

Q: Which state has the most streets?
A: Rhode Island.

A man got an email the other day teaching him how to read maps backwards.
Turns out it was just spam.

Q: How do you get a blind person to see?
A: Usually by boat.

A man's dog is a genius.
The man asked the dog, "What's two minus two?"
The dog said nothing.

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