SIR Bidwell Branch 110 Humor

Did you hear about the farmer that decided to buy a chain saw?
A chain saw salesman sold the farmer one that he guaranteed would cut down fifteen trees in a single day.
A week later, a very unhappy farmer came back to report the power saw must be faulty-it averaged three trees a day.
The salesman grabbed the saw, pulled the cord, and the saw promptly went, "buzzzzzzz."
'Hey," demanded the startled farmer, "What's that noise?"

A man went to a deli to buy just enough ham for a sandwich, so he asked the man at the counter for a third of a pound.
"You can't get a third of a pound," the counterman snapped.
"The minimum order is a quarter of a pound."
The customer froze.
Fortunately, a woman who was in line behind the man intervened.
"He wants a quarter of a pound and a little bit more,' she said.
"Well, why didn't you say so?" the deli man growled.

At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine's disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt.
A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick its owner's face or show concern.
Once, while eating pizza in the living room, a man tried out this theory on his two dogs.
The man stood up, clutched his heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.
The dogs looked at the man, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for the man's pizza.

For 35 years, a man's friend Frank put in long hours as a teacher and school administrator.
So after Frank retired, the man was curious about the way Frank's life had changed.
A man of few words, Frank replied, "Every morning I get up with nothing to do, and at night I go to bed with it half done."

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: "Breathe! Breathe!"

Q: What is a witch's subject in school?
A: Spelling.

Q: Why was the baby ant confused?
A: Because all his uncles were ants.

A writer claims he glued himself to his autobiography.
No one believes him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.

Not every name is a Tom, Dick or Harry, or even a Jennifer, Destiny or Emily.
When a man worked at a hospital, he had one patient named Krystal Meth and another named ABCDE-pronounced AB-sah-dee.

A man joined Alice on a tour to Alaska to see the northern lights.
While everyone marveled at the colors, she kept sighing and checking her watch.
The man guessed it was just the aurora boring Alice.

A guy walks into a shoe store.
After trying on a pair, he complains, "They're a bit tight."
The clerk says, "Try pulling the tongue out."
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

Nora, a professional photographer, takes some of her work to a party.
After dinner, the host says, "Wow, amazing.
You must have a great camera."
Offended by the idea that her talent lies in the choice of camera, Nora responds, "Thank you Liz.
Oh, and the meal was delicious.
You must have great pots."

A man had a fun childhood.
His dad used to push him down the hill in old tires.
They were Goodyears.

Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
That would cause mass confusion.

A man is practicing for a bug-eating contest, and he's got butterflies in his stomach.

A woman's new sweater had a problem with static, so she returned it.
They gave her a new one free of charge.

The employees' refrigerator at the graphic-design office where a man worked was getting notoriously messy.
But the man realized things were really getting out of hand when he saw an old jar of Vlasic-brand pickles that sported a new handwritten label: Jurassic Pickles.

While working in the library at a University, a person was often shocked by the excuses students would use to get out of paying their fees for overdue books.
One evening an older student returned two books that were way overdue and threw a fit over the outrageous $2 fee that the librarian asked her to pay.
The librarian tried to explain how much she owed for each day, but the student insisted she should be exempt.
"You don't understand," she blurted out.
"I didn't even read them!"

Winding his way through the office cubicle, Mike spotted one of his employees playing a video game.
"Why aren't you working?" Mike asked.
The employee had an excellent excuse: "I didn't see you coming."

Despite years of exceeding quota in his sales career, lack of education was an obstacle whenever he searched for work.
Finally, he started listing under "education" on his resume, "College of Hard Knocks."
He was surprised, then, to be hired as a reginal sales manager by a Fortune 500 company that had required a degree in its job posting.
Soon after starting, the boss came by and asked, "So what was your major at the University of Knoxville?"

Q: Why did the triangle feel sorry for the circle?
A: Because it's pointless.

Q: Why do tigers have stripes?
A: So they don't get spotted.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y.

Q: Why do trees look suspicious on sunny days?
A: They just seem a little shady!

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